


A Number In Gotham

by TheCalcMan



Category: Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Action/Adventure, Crossover, Gen, Original Character(s), Original Character-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCalcMan/pseuds/TheCalcMan
Summary: When a new math-oriented mastermind shows up in the depths of Gotham City, questions pose. What does he want? Who does he want? And more importantly, where in the absolute  illogical hell did this guy come from?This story will probably be my only "fanfiction". The original character was made for a separate superhero universe created entirely by me, the rest are DC. Since this is my first fic, constructive criticism would be much appreciated!P.S. Don't read it on mobile. It will not be formatted as intended
Comments: 15
Kudos: 9





	1. ANIG: Ch. 1

A dark room, a closed setting up in the skyscrapers of Gotham. A lonely man sits upon his digital throne, sorting through various offers of payment received in a day's work. But little does he know that an actual visitor will arrive shortly in person. But THIS person is not like any other, as he is one confined to a mechanical trap and forced to a life of evil, excluded by all of society.

He feels no remorse.

He shows no pain.

He serves his interests and his interests alone.

He is serious, logical....and calculated....down to his final measure of being.

This man.....is the Calculator Man, and while the above values are woefully correct, some may change for the better....or for worse....

* * *

1.

It was mainly routine, nothing uncertain for me. I had executed around 50 one-on-one confrontations before back in the Capital, though this would be a rare event motivated by my personal reason as opposed to a practical one. When I arrived here I had quickly learned that a certain individual had seized the opportunity to take my alias for their own, and as most are aware, I leave no respect for fanboys...

It did not take long to find him on the internet and arrange a "purchase of information" which he apparently made a business off of. They accepted my offer to deal in person:

"Who turned out the lights?!?...Sh..Show yourself!!"

I showed myself, and greeted him with sharp criticism:

"So...you're the one they call The Calculator..."

He seemed boggled by my statement:

"....Yes? Hey, listen man, I don't want any trouble..."

I asked him for my well-paid information:

"Do you know any whereabouts of someone named Edward Nygma?"

I did not know exactly who this man was, just that he was a green-dressed lunatic that liked word equations, and that I have to locate him to get what I came for.

"Yeah, the Riddler? You're just looking for the "A-listers" and rubbing it in my face, aren't you? that's what they're all doing these days. Anyway there's a good chance they're all up in Arkham Asylum, not like they get outside much...There. I helped you. You can g-"

"BUT, unfortunately...”, I interrupted, “....there is no sufficient amount to make up for the problem that you EXIST. Even though we are equal in the sense that we orient our methods after math-based terminology through quick deduction I computed that there is no place for both of us in this universe."

This was obviously incorrect, however it was also an opportunity to capitalize on his fear.

"So what are you gonna do??", the increasingly concerned man asked.

"Cancel you out."

"Wait, wait, well..uh...can't we prove who the better mathematician is?"

I thought for a short while, then proceeded as I figured it would be worthy enough to show who's more deserving of the title.

"Fine. Basic problem: What is the cosecant of -330 ° ?"

"Ah, I remember this...kind of...uh...let's see. secant?...no...root of 2...ah! um...one?"

The wise words of an amateur...

"Two. What is the arctangent of root 3?"

"Gah, I mean...uh..can I have another question?"

This was ticking me off a little.

"π/3, or 60 degrees, in terms that YOU can understand..."

"Well, can you take it easy a little? I dropped out of geometry as a freshman!"

"Yet you feel you are sufficient enough in mathematical skill to be called 'The Calculator'"

"No, I---Alright then, tough guy. Why don't I ask YOU a problem, huh? So 'you can understand'. That alright, Einstein? You probably can't even answer it."

A problem from anything pre-freshman year? I doubted that heavily.

"Try not to make it too simple."

"Oh, THAT'S how you wanna play? Well, what's...uh...21 million...no, BILLION...divided by the sum of -10 and 10?!?"

He had 0.3 seconds to show a sign of shock before I blasted him through the chest. For citing a problem that childish, he certainly earned it. Now with that irrelevance out of the way, I proceeded to my main mission and went to Arkham Asylum.....


	2. Chapter 2

Seeing the fated asylum for the 1st time, it supported all the claims and details that others have made about it: dark, ominous, and repelling, though I could not comprehend why a goofy man named "Enigma" would reside in such a place, but I was to find out soon enough. I put on the overcoat and hat I use so as to not attract attention with my mechanized appearance, and proceeded through the front door. The main room was damp with 3 guards stationed, nearly surprised so as to see a visitor. I approached the first guard, a woman approximately aged 40, sitting at the front desk on a computer:

"Welcome to Arkham, how can I help you?"

"Do you have anyone here named Edward Nygma?

"Let me see...looks like he's out on parole"

"You let THESE asylum prisoners out on parole?"

"Sometimes"

That cancelled out any hope of a quick mission. I was confidently ready to bolt out and leave when I came to realize that criminal patients may be able to assist with another insane patient better than any civilian could.

"I'd like to see some of these other patients for myself. May I check in?

The guard went through standard check-in process, though hesitantly, obviously taking time to remember it.

"Name?"

"Thomas Irwin"

"Date of Birth?"

"March 14, 1950"

"Reason of Entry?"

"INSPECTION!"

I stated the blatant lie with such confidence that all 3 of them were more shocked than when I walked in.

"R-R-Registration?"

Now this question would have gotten me included with the rest of the patients if not for my exceptional problem-solving abilities.

"....do you accept cash?"

"$520 up front", one of the guards against the wall stated.

I paid him the amount, though I had to be cautious though as to not spend too much for later. I had around 4 million worth of cash that I needed for more important matters than bribing police.

"Alright, you're good. Lemme just show you around and---aw sweet, it's our lunch break! YO! IT'S OUR LUNCH BREAK!! You!....uh...don't do anything stupid!"

As bizarre as this sounds, it certainly came in my favor, for I could now question any one of them as long as I needed to. The room holding the cells was certainly large and expansive, covering at least 50 feet vertically as I could assume without going from each and every floor. Walking along the cells, 3 prisoners tried to speak to me in an attempt to convince me to get them out. The first was an orange haired woman with a tint of green skin....

"Hey, baby, come here for a KISS...."

"Can't."

...the second was someone dressed as both a pig and a surgeon....

"*snort* Professor PYG will make you PERFECT!! SQUEEEEE!!!"

"In what sense?"

...and the third was something wearing old undertaker clothes and what I was 32% sure was a skull mask.

"You wannna know....FEAR?"

"Do YOU want to know FEAR!?!? TRY SOLVING A SYSTEM OF 5 EQUATIONS, GRAPHING ALL FIVE OF THEM, FINDING OUT ALL THE POINTS WHERE THEY INTERSECT, NARROWING DOWN THOSE INTERSECTION POINTS BASED ON FREQUENCY, USING THE LAST POINT AS AN AVERAGE TO FIND THE AIRSPEED VELOCITY OF AN UNLADEN SWALLOW AFTER CALCULATING THE PROBABLE CHANCE OF WHETHER IT IS AFRICAN OR EUROPEAN, THEN USE THAT ENDING VALUE TO CALCULATE THE ORBITAL SPEED OF THE SUN RELATIVE TO THAT SWALLOW!!"

"Jeez, man...point taken...."

Finally I came across an inmate not looking to use me for escape solutions, mostly because he was preoccupied with flipping a coin in the corner away from me. He appeared normal enough compared to the previous 3 mentioned so I questioned him.

"Would you happen to know the Riddler?

"Worked with him a couple times..."

"Do you know where he is?

"Maybe, maybe not. Gotta ask the COIN." he said while showing his coin.

"The coin?"

"Yeah, you heard me..."

And so he flipped the coin, with the result of tails.

"...come back next week."

"I can't wait that long. What if I get you out of here?"

"Hard pass. What the coin says...goes..."

"So all of your conscious decisions are made based on probability?"

"Pretty much."

I had difficulty thinking of a response to this.

"...could you flip again?"

"I said...what the coin SAYS..."

He turned to reveal the other, scarred 50% of his face previously hidden by the shadow

"...GOES!!"

"Noted....", I mentioned as I walked away.

Based on this data I was ready to assume that there wasn't a single, normal patient in the entire establishment. At least until I heard....

"Yeeooohoooo!!"

I initially pulled out my pistol as this was usually followed with mobsters approaching for debt collection.

"Hey you! With the ugly hat! Over here!"

...and with that I put the gun away. I walked closer to the source of the call to find a blonde woman with a notable Brooklyn accent, aged fairly younger than most of the other patients. In any other situation I would have gone to find a better source for interrogation, but her cheery, playful attitude gave me a sort of...feeling...that I could not describe, as I had never known it before

"Yes?"

"Oh nothin'. Just wanted a closer look."

"At the hat?"

"No, at your PANTS...", she stated sarcastically, though I took it as literal.

"My--Oh roots, are they broken?? I swear by Archimedes I'd be finished if they tore in front of those guards."

That made her laugh a bit:

"Heh, you talk weird, you know that? I like those kinds'a guys."

"You wouldn't happen to know where "The Riddler" is, would you?"

"Oh, Riddler, huh? Sure, I know him, and I think he's a big DUMMY, always leavin' hints for B-man" (I would learn who that was soon enough...) "Even my puddin' thinks it ain't smart. I mean, does he WANT to get caught or not??"

"But do you know WHERE he is?" 

"Well, IDUNNO, you think I SPY on him or somethin'? No, If I'm spyin' on anyone..."it's my sweet Mistah J."

"You mean the Joker?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

I looked around the cell to see around 65 photos of an individual with white skin pasted around the walls. One of them was a autobiography cover.

"Educated guess."

"Hm?" She looked at the walls for herself. "Oh, hah! These old photos? That's nothin' like seeing him in PERSON. He's got such a way with words...kinda like you! You know...he can probably help ya find Riddle-man himself."

This gave me relief but I was also very hesitant to seriously question someone calling themselves a "joker".

"I assume he is also here?"

"Sure, but they won't just letya WALTZ into his cell like that. Mistah J's SO special, he's got his own room up top away from EVERYONE else..." She let out a sigh of longing depression. "...includin' me..."

"Maximum security? That may complicate things...I'll have to come back at night."

"Wait, you're gonna break INTO Arkham?!?! Well, whaddaya know, you're as crazy as me!"

"So it seems. However, I'm relatively new here and I'm not exactly sure on the details of this place."

"No worries, I know the way around. Believe it or not, I used to have a job here! So listen, this place is a big rich-guy mansion, kinda like Wayne Manor, right?

"Yes?"

That would have accounted for the outside detail.

"So you just go on the TIPPIDY-top of the roof, jump down the chimney like Santy Clause, and you'll land straight in the laundry room. Then walk all the way up the rusty staircase to the third floor, and you'll see my puddin' in ALL his glory. Any questions?"

"Just one: Why does the chimney lead to the laundry room?"

"You don't wanna know."

"Right...how bad is security?"

"Well, for starters, all the guards here are a bunch a' LOONEYS. Heck, me and my buddies have gotten through ‘em hundreds of times. It's big Aaron Cash you gotta watch out for. He lost his hand to ol’ Croc, but trust me, he’s the biggest of ‘em all. If he shows up then Whip!, Zap!, Boom!, you're BACK where you started..."

"Good to know...and uh...thank you."

Letting out a sign of appreciation for the first time in my life was strenuous, more than any differential equation I’ve attempted to solve.

"Hey, no problem, big guy. And by the way...The name's Harley. Harley Quinn."

I truthfully told her I'd remember it as I walked away out the door to prepare what I would need to break in later. In the background I heard a faint "Aren't you gonna tell me yours?!?!?" as I proceeded to the lobby and offered my inspection review:

"3/10. Needs more security"

I regretted saying that later...


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn't much else to say about coming back at night. I used the cable of my sigma trident to vertically scale the wall as any normal person would. Upon reaching the roof I found the chimney she was referring to, and leaped down. I estimated to be going downward at least 20 miles per hour as I sustained multiple impacts against the suit from the 45-degree turns in the chimney vents, just like Santa Clause. I did land in the laundry room, as intended, and I soon deducted that they incinerated costumes after taking them here. Most of them were fairly unoriginal but one indeed caught my eye: a slim, red-and-black one with a dividing line perfectly down the middle so as to make it parallel on both sides. I kept it for myself in close storage. After making it past the guards and going up the staircase I eventually reached the so-called Joker, sleeping in his cell. I equipped the 5 1/2" saw out of my arm and began cutting on the bars:

"GAH!!! I'm up, I'm up!!!", he exclaimed in fear upon hearing sound of the metal grinding.

"Quiet! Do you want to alert the entire prison?"

"I--"

I continued above his complaints.

"So what's your deal, huh? Looks like Cyborg and Egghead were baked in the oven too long.

"And you look like a clown possessed by Satan, so we're even."

"Of course I'm a clown, I'M THE JOKER!! Well, my friends call me Joker, you can call me John."

"So, 'John', here's the plan: I am going to break you out of here, we escape and arrive at wherever your last home setup is, and we continue there.

"What if I say no?"

I immediately stopped sawing and began to walk away.

"WAIT, WAIT!! I was KIDDING!!"

"So that means your answer defaults to 'yes'?"

"Well, I could say maybe..."

I began to walk away again.

"Okay, FINE!! YES!! I ACCEPT!!"

And thus I continued.

"Jeez, nobody can take a joke these days...So what's in this for little old me?"

"Your freedom?"

He let out a long laugh as if that meant nothing to him.

"Oh, I sure hope you have something else in that metal sleeve of yours."

"Cash. You have any tax problems lately?"

"How do you..I'm not gonna ask. But how MUCH...?"

"A sufficient amount which I will show later. But right now...", I stated as I finalized the cuts on the last bar, "...we're getting out of here."

As I turned around I felt an impact on the back of my "head" only to turn around and see that clown violently vibrating in place, as what happens when someone hits metal with metal.

"If you want a higher chance of making it out ALIVE, I suggest you don't do that. You go first, take us to the exit."

"No Problemo..."

We proceeded downstairs and only went about 10 feet from there before he stopped at a room built into one of the corners

"Ah, bingo!"

"Already? I reasoned it would be farther..."

I went inside after him and saw multitudes of file cabinets, chairs, and desks, a typical office setup, along with cameras monitoring various angles of the prison. He began to rummage through one of the bottom file cabinets.

"Come on...they've got to be here somewhere!"

"Who's they?"

"All the toys that those jerks confiscated...Oh, HERE they are!"

"Toys"?

"Here, take a look, uh....Smoke bombs, gas pellets...7-way pistols? Don't remember having THAT..."

Shortly after, 3 guards came through shouting "FREEZE!"

"Ooh, just missed him. I think he's a few cells down..."

4 more guards then came through the door and began to surround us. The Joker seemed prepared to fight before I pulled him under one of the desks.

"What?!? You're the KNOCKOFF CYBORG, can't you take these dolts?!?"

"Not surrounded."

"Hmm...alright, just keep your egg under."

He took out the 7-way pistol mentioned earlier, a revolver appropriately called so as the cylinder was mounted horizontally with all rounds facing outwards, and popped up to face the guards.

"NO WORRIES, BOYS, I BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!!!"

He fired and all 7 rounds went flying in every direction, hitting all 7 of the officers simultaneously. I stood up and proceeded on to the hallway of cells with him following close behind.

"Now we should be good to go as long as we don't run into-- GAH! Oh hey..BUDDY...uh..."

The man he was attempting to reason with was none other than Aaron Cash, who I could immediately see was much more experienced than the previous casualties we got through.

"Get back to your cell, Joker."

"Or else, WHAT?"

"or ELSE---" He grabbed a small taser from his right belt.

"How insufficient", I said as I took the sigma trident which also doubled as a shock weapon. He then turned and charged at me at 9 mph despite being only 6 feet away, attempting to disable my systems with the voltage of the taser. I easily anticipated the move and stepped 10 inches to the right and punched him on top of his back. As he stretched out his arm to strike with the tazer again I blocked his attacking arm with the spear and kicked him 7.1 feet back. As he stood up he pulled out a radio link from his belt and pressed the button.

"Fool, I CONTROL this entire prison!"

Small laser turrets began shooting in our direction as me and the Joker hid back against one of the walls. I looked at one of the nearby windows to see that we were near the edge of the island and that the surrounding water was surprisingly close.

"Is the water at least 15 feet deep beyond this wall?"

"Is that a trick question?"

I placed one of my CALC-4 time bombs on the wall and instructed him to stand back for it to blow.

"We're JUMPING out?!?! THIS IS CRAZY!!!!!"

"Then it should be nothing new for you."

I went first, hitting directly into the water. Turns out it was slightly more than the depth I needed, and the Joker followed as well. We climbed back up to the surface of the island.

"Nothing like an evening swim, am I right, pal?"

"My car is parked about a couple yards fro--

I was interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice calling from one of the cells near us, conveniently on ground level.

"Puddin!??! Is that you!?!?! Are you coming to rescue me!?!?!"

"Should I get her as well?

"No, come on, THERE'S NO TIME!"

He continued motioning for me to move on for about a minute before he gave up and continued on his own.

"You know, It's been a lonely couple months without ya, boss. I was hopin' maybe you'd take me out sometime, go to the circus..."

As much as I wanted to immediately follow as well, that last line instilled some compelling feeling in me...again...and soon enough I spent another CALC-4 to destroy the wall near the source of the voice. She escaped through the smoke from the debris and ran out with enthusiastic joy.

"*GASP!!!!* PUDDIN!!!! OH, I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA COME BACK FOR---" (I wasn't wearing the disguise from when I met her) "...wait....you're not Mista J...."

"No...No I'm not...HEHEHEHAHAHA--"

"Aren't ya that guy I met earlier? With the funny hat?"

"Um...yes."

"Well, ya didn't even drop your NAME. Who taught ya manners?"

"Sorry for having other priorities....but since you asked...."

Here we go.....

"I...am THE CALCULATOR MAN!! ACE OF ALGEBRA....CONQUERER OF CALCULUS...and GRAND MASTER OF GEOMETRY!!!!!"

She let out a slight snicker.

"You're even betta WITHOUT yer silly hat..."

I looked back with slight anger.

"In a...good way."

We finally walked to the car where I found the clown prince of crime inside, trying to jump start it without us.

"Now...", I said as I took out the keys in his face, "...let's ride".


	4. Chapter 4

We took off successfully without any sort of problems, not even police cars despite seeing 4 of them originally on my way in. I forced the Joker to stay in the rear since I didn't trust with NOT doing something in the front to accidentally kill us, which left Harley sitting in the shotgun seat. She had a few questions about my "introduction":

"So why're ya called the Calculator man? That your nerd-sona or somethin'?"

"No, it's because I use and know all extents of mathematics, whether it's graphing or calculus or every use of pi..."

"You know all about PIE!?! Oh, good thing I met ya. See, I never knew how much nitro to add and when ta put the---

"Not THAT kind. I HATE that CONFUSION!! PI is an infinitely repeating constant that's used in a VARIETY of applications including tri---Is this boring?"

"Course not. You're funny when you get mad :)"

Just then the Joker stuck my railgun stuck out through the little door in the driver cabin, equally scaring both of us.

"So what are you two LOVEBIRDS on about?"

"Lovebirds?"

"He thinks we're flirtin'."

I looked back at him with a questioning stare.

"What am I gonna do, KISS her? I have a loudspeaker for a mouth, and I have yet to find someone who's attracted to...THIS", I said while gesturing at my whole robotic body.

"Woah, way to roast yourself there, pal...and speaking of pals, looks like ol' Bats is comin' in hot!"

And sure enough, there was a black car reminiscent of a bat following close behind us, because it's only logical that a city with themed villains are matched by themed crime-fighters. When this car did eventually pull close enough to the side, Harley instinctively took one of my rifles and aimed it across me through the driver's window.

"Hiya, Batsy!!!!! Remember ME???"

The Joker came through the small door once again and aggressively yanked on her hair.

"Only I get to call him "Batsy", you TWIT!!!"

"Sorry..."

She continued smiling as if nothing had happened and began shooting through at the bat-car, the rifle still across my field of vision.

"Do you recall the phrase 'Don't distract the driver'??"

"Huh. Thought it was 'dont drink the driver'..."

And that's why they weren't at the wheel. I gestured back to the Joker through the small door.

"Open up the back and offer some suppressing fire so they don't try shooting in turn. But don't use the--"

"My pleasure....hey, BATSO!! You ready to charge some BATTERIES??"

"charge some bat......wait, that's a RAILGUN!!!! DON'T FIRE THAT!! IT'LL SHAKE THE WHOLE---"

He fired off to the side and shook the entire vehicle (while simultaneously putting a 10-inch hole in my trunk), but through the rear mirror I could see that it did indeed throw the pursuer off by 3 feet.

"Hey, one-eye!!! Got any double-A's?!?! AAAHAHAHAHAHHA!"

"Hah! good one, mistah J!"

"Why did i rescue the clowns...." I intensely contemplated while continuously turning to evade the silhouette behind us. No matter how many unpredictable turns I took, it always came right behind, and I surely wasn't the only one to notice.

"Uh, C-man? He ain't shakin'!!"

That being said I chose to do a signature, calculated maneuver to ensure that we'd lose him

"45 degrees left...", Through an underground parking lot

"...60 right...", Through an actual park.

"...120 left...", resulting in a near-u-turn and coming across a pothole.

"...5 back....90 right..." into a narrow alley. It worked as planned and the supercar was no longer in sight. In its place a missile came from above and struck 1 foot away on the road, vibrating the entire car and causing the Joker to go unconscious from hitting his head on the machinery I kept back there.

"Puddin'!!!"

"He'll be fine." I correctly assured as I looked out my now shot-up window to see yet another bat vehicle flying overhead, this time a jet aircraft that must have been relaying our movements to the car.

"Then...how...you know WHAT--"

I turned around to grab a gun out the back for myself and started firing at the plane.

"PISS off!!"

The car began to jerk and sway from hitting a curb, prompting Harley to reach across and grab the wheel.

"Hey, watch the road, bub! And your mouth!"

"Right..." I eased down a bit to put back the gun and continue where I was. "...you think you can shoot down that plane?"

"Depends on whatcha got."

I pointed directly behind me to where I kept most of my weapons.

"See for yourself, there's, uh...a Mosin, a FIM-92, a nine-barreled bazooka--"

She jumped ecstatically at that last mention.

"WHERE'S THAT THING!!!"

The 9-barreled bazooka, of course, was none other than the Fliegerfaust, a prototype German weapon from World War 2 that was meant to fire in clusters so as to shoot down planes. The original wartime version was scrapped due to large spread and little range, but I adapted it to fix most of the problems with some more recent advancements in technology.

"Now listen, it has to be aimed a bit ahead of the target because---"

"Yeah, yeah, you point n' fire, I GOT it.", she replied as she rolled down the window and aimed up.

"Eat HOT ROCKET, LOSERman!!!!"

All 9 rockets audibly went off as they drew closer to the flying wing. From what I observed through my side, at least 5 of them reached high enough to detonate and caused somewhat of a smoke screen in the air. The pilot reacted to it like an amateur child and the craft began violently veering off course until it left the scene. Harley looked at the scene above with overwhelming glee and came back into her seat.

"Cleanup on air force one!"

"Nice shot. So where's that so-called hideout?"

"Right here, actually."

To my left was an ominous, seemingly abandoned warehouse, typical of any common supervillain I've read about. After parking in the front we had to pull the unconscious master of laughs out of the back to get him up.

"Gah! What happened?

"You took a turn for the worst."

"Ooh, you missed all the good stuff, boss! That naughty bat-plane was all like 'bang-bang-bang' and C-Man was goin' 'SWEEEEERVE!' and I said "EAT THIS LOSERMAN" and I blew 'im outta the sky like the LOUSY flyer he is!

"But most importantly, we got away."

"Righta-roonie!"

She held up her hand and i instinctively held up my own, and we hit ours together. I was told by an associate of mine later that this was known as a 'high-five'.

"Oh, bother...."

He opened the large warehouse door and we proceeded inside.


	5. Chapter 5

The Joker initially took a moment to look around at the home he seemingly didn't miss as all three of us started to look around at the shabby base.

"Here we are! Home sweet...oh dang it!"

"What is it?"

I found him in the middle in front of two equally sized crates, sorting through various arrangements of weapons.

"I forgot to sort my prop guns from the real deal!"

"Can't ya just take a peek and see if there'sa flag in there?"

She took one at random and stared it down before I immediately stopped her and took it.

"Hey! Never, under any circumstances, look down the barrel of a gun. Accidental discharge could seriously lead to death."

"Hmm...gosh, yes, you're right, C-Man. I'll be more careful. Guess there's only one way ta find out now..."

She proceeded to take another gun from the same place, this time a revolver, and aimed it toward the outside door. At the pull of the trigger the front section flipped at a full 180 degrees and fired, nearly hitting her and the Joker, who was standing at least 9 feet away. They both ducked in the nick of time and Harley immediately threw the trick gun back in the box where it came from.

"Hehe...found 'em..."

"THAT WASN'T FUNNY, YOU DOLT!!! YOU COULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF!!!"

"I'm sorry, Mista J, I--I didn't know you had back-facin'...uh...guns...."

Ignoring her apology, he extended his hand in an offensive motion, preparing to throw a backhand across the face

"This is why I DIDN'T want to bring YOU along for the ride!"

Preparing to anticipate this, she shielded herself with her arms in an attempt to block it.

"Gee, not again..."

As he prepared for his motion I grabbed his wrist before he could make contact.

"Did you say 'again'?"

"Yeah...", She answered while staring at the ground in an embarrassed expression

I looked back at the Joker, absolutely surprised that anyone would dare to challenge him.

"Let me teach you something: there are appropriate times for punishing accomplices for their mistakes. This is certainly not one of them.", and with that I released my iron grip and went on to what I thought to be the planning table. He stood frozen for a bit, seemingly comprehending what had just transpired, all while continuing to give me a funny look.

"Right...so what's the gameplan, coach?"

"We...are going to steal THIS."

I showed them the holographic display of a cane with the figure of a question-mark at its head.

"Say, ain't that the thing Riddle-man uses ta set the traps n' stuff?"

"Normally, yes...but it also was given the recent power...of MIND control. And that alone has infinite applications..."

"So why do you need us?", he curiously chimed in.

"I wouldn't know the first place to look"

"Well, ya picked the best team! Ain't that right, boss?"

"Oh, sure. We've been all over Gotham, far over yonder....except where Batsy lives. Now how 'bout that BOOTY?"

I went back over to the car for a brief second to grab two metallic suitcases and brought them both back. Each one had an encrusted padlock to prevent any sort of lock-cutting.

"Here: there's two million dollars in each of these cases, you can see how it'll be distributed. I was originally going to use it to pay rent if I had to stay longer, but I hopefully will no longer have a use for it with you two."

The Joker and the crime boss he acted up to be weren't too impressed.

"Eh, I've seen bigger."

"Aw, come on puddin', TAKE IT, Dontchya want free dinero?"

"Well, in that case, you've got yourself a deal, pal. Shaaake on it?", he said with a menacingly evil grin.

"Gladly."

Turns out he had a shock device of some sort in his palm, which he used to deliver a current up my suit. I, in turn, grabbed him with my other hand to reroute the electricity back to him. After gaining consciousness, instead of fighting back or delivering a usual quip, he just stood and laughed. It took about 6 seconds for the warehouse to be filled with that sound coming from both of them. I don't laugh though. I never do it unintentionally. If I did, it would be after I lose my sanity.


	6. Chapter 6

We spent about 30 minutes planning and analyzing most of the Riddler's former locations based on data gained from where he was apprehended. Both of them suggested that he would most likely use his oldest known location, so we agreed to split up at the oldest three we had on the map. The Joker left first in a purple limo-style vehicle with a large bubble canopy reminiscent of the Jetsons car. I was about to go in my own when I heard...

"Hey, 's he gone?"

"Yes? Why?"

"Ya gotta come here, it's a SECRET."

I followed her into the left wing of the warehouse, which went about a few inches below ground level. We eventually stopped at an object being covered by a large tarp.

"I've hid it from 'im for years...Introducin' the new, improved....QUINN MOBILE!!!"

The cover was pulled, and underneath was a large, overly expensive monster truck held up by 14-ft tires which could easily crush almost anything beneath it, along with a 9 foot tall mallet coming out from the top, which I reasoned would swing from side-to-side to get anything the tires missed. I couldn't help but notice the color scheme split across the middle in the same sort of red-and-black fashion as the costume I had taken from Arkham, which I gave back to Harley earlier when she pointed out it was hers.

"You are NOT using that."

"Aww, pleeeease!? Why not?"

"Because I estimate that's about, what, 30 feet high...You could see that thing from over a mile away. It'll stick out like a tank."

"But what can they do to a TANK, huh? WHEEEE!!!", she exclaimed as she cartwheeled and leaped into the driver's seat.

I proceeded in my own personal car and we headed off. Now that there was no missile-armed limousines tailing right behind, I took a while to observe my surroundings. It was dirty and unkept, to say the least, not unlike where I was from, except these buildings were less "modernized". The civilians on the streets seemed to act quite regular despite living in a town full of costumed lunatic. It's amazing how the population hasn't almost completely diminished yet from emigration.

I finally arrived at the place I had personally chosen, another warehouse, albeit much more fortified, located closer to the docks but not too far out from the city, complete with the iconic question mark symbol on the door as on the cane. I looked through one of the small windows to see 13 men gathered, all wearing some tint of green. As much as I wished to continue myself, I figured it would help to have some form of skilled backup to outweigh the 13 henchmen, so I radioed both of them to come quickly. Harley happily replied with a "Kay, be there in a jiff!" while the Joker stated that he was more sure of his location (at an ice rink). I didn't really trust him as much anyway so I let him to his own ordeal. I waited for 9 minutes and 35 seconds before the giant truck came ravaging into the dock like an M48 going through trees. It drifted to park on the side near some crates and the driver soon came out. I immediately asked her for the keys and parked it inside one of the crates to at least attempt and hide the 25ft problem, then handed them back.

"Can we hurry 'n start the show? My hammer's waitin..."

"Alright, we'll try and destroy it."

We used a variety of explosive and laser devices from both of our vehicles but were very limited by the fact that we had to be as silent as possible. As you could possibly predict, nothing worked.

"Watch my car. I'll go around and check if there's any other possible solutions."

"Y'know, ya kinda act like Bat-brain if he weren't such a meanie."

"I'll take it as a compliment."

I made two full cycles around. The window I looked into before was a small tinted slit, and the few vents I found on the side were too small to fit any of us. With that I went back to the main entrance.

"No other entry areas....the Joker uses acid, doesn't he?

"Yeah, why?"

"We could probably melt through the door, depending on how thick it is.....", I added as I knocked 5 times on the door to judge it was less than 3 inches thick, but not by much.

"Ohhh, I get ya. Hey, MISTA--!

"Oi, keep quiet!! They're still in there!"

"Sorry, but uh.....where is he? I thoughtya said he was comin'!"

"I don't recall that."

I still contacted the Joker as intended, where I heard him again behaving as the complete opposite of what his name implies.

"Hold on....could you be a dear and call later WHEN IM NOT GETTING SHOT AT!?!?!"

In the distance of the phone I heard machine gun fire and some tire screeching, along with a "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, JOKER!!!" followed by an aggressive squawking sound, 96% similar to that of a penguin. I hung up and faced his lover, anxious for a reply.

"He's on his way."

We waited for a couple hours to no avail.

"Hey, C-man?"

"What?"

"I'm BOOOORED."

"I have math worksheets in the back of the car if you're that desperate."

"Is that the FIRST thing ya thought of?"

"Closest thing I've ever done for enjoyment. "

"Gee, what in the bamboozle happened with YOUR life?"

I told her the full story:

"When I was young, I was forced to spend countless hours behind a desk, practicing problems that I kept failing to solve correctly. I never ONCE went outside, never had fun, never met anyone to have fun WITH..."

"Well, everyone's gotta have SOMEONE...."

"...in later years, I was bullied for being socially awkward and keeping mostly to myself, as I naturally was. I was tripped, shoved, you name it...."

"Aw, STOP it, I know yer bluffin...."

"....when I finally graduated, I was almost immediately drafted and sent to Vietnam, which was even less of an opportunity to enjoy yourself among the searching for VC installments. As I found out, my ever-so-caring parents were assassinated by KGB agents while I was away."

"....no....."

"...the war ended, and I got a job as a teacher, which is even MORE strenuous. Count a few years later, a few near-fatal accidents happen, and all that remains of me is my brain. Fun...right?"

When I finished with my aggressive storytelling method, I started to feel a bit regretful since the once-happy, loveable jester was now almost moved to depressing tears.

"...but...how...you're jokin', I tell ya....ya have to be...."

"Unfortunately...I'm not...". I opened the stomach area door which revealed the tank holding my horrifically burnt brain, the last organic part of me left, only to get a look of disgust and gagging in return.

"I...well, we're gonna do somethin' about it!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm gonna show ya fun, one way or another, or my name ain't Harleen FREAKIN' Quinzel! COME ON!!"

"You seem unreasonably serious about this...."

"Well, SORRY, but yer life is too PATHETIC for me ta do nothin' about it....Ooh look, the arcade!"

She pointed and started off to a building near the dock, clearly lit up with a flourescent light sign. I would have preferred not to go in case that other clown did manage to show up, but she meant well and I didn't want to see the result of refusing, so i followed for a minute before I quickly stopped.

"I think we should....uh....."

"What, not go? C'MOOOOOn, I'm practically givin' ya a date!"

"Not that. It's just.....you're a wanted escapee, and I look like I came from space. If it's a public building there's a good chance that a bystander will report it.

"Yeah, I'll put somethin' over this. You....get whateva ya had last time."

We soon donned disguises and entered the arcade.


	7. Chapter 7

For beginners, the arcade was like nothing I have ever witnessed before. With flashing colors and multiple rows of recreational machines lined up, it was incredibly hard to believe that I spent most of my life behind pieces of paper. An employee stood to check us in.

"Couple's night out? Fine by me."

"We're not a---"

"Ah, loosen up, he's only kiddin'...I think..."

I approached the token conversion station and felt inclined to check my coat pockets for something

"Oh, roots. All my money is in the two briefcases"

"No worries. That's why we have Dr. Quinn's UNIVERSAL key."

She took her hammer out of practically thin air and smashed the machine on the side, which led hundreds of coins to empty in a pile.

"Knock yourself out!"

I went to the lines of machines with absolute awe.

"It's like a multivariable equation...I don't know which one to focus on first..."

"Mind if I show ya Harley's picks?"

"Not at all."

I let her take lead since the Joker apparently has taken refuge with her in such places before, but what transpired after was like nothing I've ever experienced at all. We did 10 of the games here, each more entertaining than the last, whether it was mowing down lines of terminators, hitting a puck on a table, or shooting water in a....clown's....mouth.....It was absolutely astounding, and the first and only time I'd ever feel joyed or relaxed in my life.

"That was fairly enjoyable."

"Told ya."

"...Wait...what is THIS?"

"Idunno, musta been put in here when I wasn't lookin'."

I walked over to the very intriguing virtual game that caught my eye. I wouldn't even call it a game, even more equal to a simulation. It was one of the larger machines in the building, with the entire screen being suspiciously similar to a map that would regularly be used by a strategic defense command.

"Say..uh...I gotta do somethin' REAL quick. Be back in a sec!"

I continued working with the seemingly out-of-place computer. I put a token in the slot as required and it began to announce, but in a much more ominous tone than previous arcade games.

*CHOOSE YOUR COUNTRY*

I scrolled through the options listed. Most of them were world powers: The United States, China, Russia, India, Germany, et cetera....except for one. I had to select the option for more information on it to see why it even had a place there.

*A former Soviet state, UKRAINE held the third-largest stockpile of nuclear warheads after inheriting them from the Soviet Union*

"Is that so...."

I handpicked Ukraine and began the game. As I was going through that country list I failed to recall one key info that all of them had in common: Each one of those countries had offensive nuclear capabilities, and that was the kind of gameplay that this simulation was heavily hinting at. Of course, being Ukraine, my only navy was stuck in the Black Sea so I had to attempt and build up some sort of army to gain land and even consider competing with the other nations now-turned-enemies. It worked remarkably well, as each of the countries in Eastern Europe were unprepared for any advance. Of course, it was only a simulation and those aggressors were represented by lines of code but it was an interesting point to note. By the time Harley came back to observe, 80% of the map was covered with the flames of ICBMs and a grim "1.6 billion dead" was shown at the top of the screen. Knowing the homicidal maniac she normally was, I was surprised to see her almost horrified by that image. Ignoring her, I continued with my simulated assault.

"So...North Korea threatens WAR? Threaten me again after I convert you to 46,000 SQUARE MILES OF GLASS!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA---"

"Alright buster, playtime's over..."

"Prepare to GLOW, you communist DIRTBAGS!"

"I said, we're goin!", I heard as I was aggressively pulled outside from my fruititious campaign of complete destruction.

"What did you do THAT for? I was in the middle of something"

"Yeah, in the middle of makin' entire CITIES go KAPUT!"

"And that's a problem HOW?"

"Oh yeah? What if somethin' snaps in there and ya do it for realsies?, she asked as she specifically pointed at me. "Look, idunno WHAT that thing did to ya, but wipin' folks off the earth just ain't right!"

"And I suppose YOU have a 0.0 homicide rate? Regardless, that does give me an idea....what if, using the object in question, I mind-control leaders into nuking each other to OBLIVION while I wait to emerge as the sole remaining power in the world? In fact, knowing nuclear warfare, I would only need one....Let's go back to the door. I NEED to get that device---"

The stubborn jester remained in place.

"Not with that mood you ain't."

"Figures. I shouldn't have expected a simple, hammer-swinging CLOWN to understand...."

That equally struck us both. On my hand, I seriously did not intend to say that. On hers, she was deeply affected by the insult, and had every right to be. Despite her entire appearance indicating the opposite, I would soon come to realize how fairly knowledgeable and intelligent she actually was, and the fact that everyone else did not seemed to visibly bother her.

"Oh, I understand FULLY...."

As we were nearly prepared for an evident fight, my hand was a centimeter away from the shock trident when my sensors detected a hard impact at a -30 degree angle to my conical egg head, which made it do 26 full rotations like a screw unloosening in place. I locked my one source of vision back in place to see the now-angry extrovert stop herself in attacking further, though she still kept a heavy look of scorn.

"KNOCK IT OFF!! You're NOT a diabolical psycho like Mista J, an' don't even THINK of bein' one. I've seen Puddin' put down so many nice people, I...I can't think 'f anyone' bein' WORSE..."

"The things you haven't seen..."

I thought back to the bulletins I read of what occurred in Saddam's Iraqi nation, and he isn't even the worst in comparison to the line of historical dictators that preceded him.

"What's your point, huh? You wanna ADD to the list? You wanna get icky, radioactive blood on your hands?!?! What if I was in onna those teensy, glowin' towns on the map? Wouldya blow ME up??"

"Well, I..."

I barely stated 1% of my reply when I saw her come closer to sobbing than before.

"You would, wouldn't ya?"

"I didn't say tha---"

"Shsh...it's fine. You know, I was gonna get a plane ride to Paris, go see Ivy or somethin' after this hootenany, but NEVER MIND. I'll just sit here...*sniff*...an' wait fer some genocidal MORON to push the button...."

And that button I was well aware of. Like a simple flip along an axis my thoughts simply swapped despite my efforts to keep the usual aggressive mindset I always had, and for 5 seconds I became strangely apologetic.

"I...you're right. I really don't know what came over me, sorry."

To my relief, she took the apology well...as always...with the same mood swing I've now seen 3 times already, though this time it wasn't as accidental.

"No problem, pie man." She smiled and gave me a small, cheerful bump on the arm. "That's what friends are for."

This would have made me smile more than I should have if I had a face.

"HOLD the PHONE...ya SEE that over there?!?"

I looked across to see a bagel shop, a diamond shop, and a Geek Squad shed.

"You mean the tech support warehouse?"

"No, ya goof, tha jewelery store! Whaddaya say we ROB it??"

Seeing her eagerness in wanting to do this, I went along with it and followed on, where we prepared to escalate the building from the side.


	8. Chapter 8

I made my way up with my usual vertical ascension, while she flipped and jumped on several balconies that also ran up the side of the building. Eventually we made it up to a large window that we cut a 70 in. hole into for passage. The window led to a tight janitor's closet, with the door locked from the other side.

"Any ideas?"

"Hmm....ooh, big vent, 10'a clock! I'll go through an' open the door for ya.

I had to duck down to give her enough room to pry off the small vent and get through. 2 minutes later, the door was opened and we continued down the hall to make our way to the actual storage area which was guarded by various laser sensors. While she was off doing some mirror trick she supposedly picked up from a friend of hers, I simply walked through the lasers as they were automatically redirected by the reflective metal I was made of and deactivated them from the box on the other side. After this and a few, smaller problems, we accidentally reached the main store through the employee entrance. I was hoping to take the cautious route and deal with the 5 people in there one-by-one, but my partner had other ideas.

"Greetin's an' SALYATATIONS, it's a STICKUP!!!!"

For whatever reason, the store clerk in the center felt it was necessary to chime in on the event.

"Couple's rings are down the hall...."

"We're NOT A-"

"Holy cow, C-man, we hit the TRUCKLOAD! Catwoman's probably rollin' in her litterbox just thinkin' about it..."

"Right...grab a few of them, they might be able to focus my laser tripod a bit better for the door."

"Ta heck with 'a few', MOMMA's takin' em ALL!"

"In what?"

"Uh...dontchya have pockets?"

"No"

"Show's over, QUINN!!"

I turned around to see a man dressed in black, gray, and pointy ears along with an older child dressed in red who seemed way too young to be involved with the same work.

"It's always when I'm enjoyin' myself...how'd ya find me THIS time?"

"We saw the two-ton truck parked outside."

I looked back and furiously pointed at Harley in contempt.

"I TOLD you---"

"Come OOOOON, I NEVER get ta use my baby...and I thought you were gonna hide it!"

"How could I completely hide a 30ft-high vehicle essentially out in the open??"

"Idunno, use the future invisible tech you got or whatever."

"Just because I'm highly CYBERNETIC doesn't mean I can make things INVISIBLE"

Meanwhile, the younger sidekick began to let out a slight laugh.

"Heh, looks like Harley's got a new boyfriend."

We both stopped our argument prematurely to show even more fury at the boy.

  
"WHY does EVERYONE keep SAYING THAT!?!??!?"

"I KNOW!!! It's like, ya see Wonder Woman an' Cy-man togetha, NO ONE bats an' eye! But when I'M with a regula average guy who happens to BE a guy....I'll kick yer can for that, ya little BIRDIE!"

The customers looked on with understandable confusion as a clown and a cyborg fought two men in animal costumes. I decided to take the older one as the younger seemed to be dependent on him. He started by tossing 3 oddly-sharp boomerangs that I destroyed prematurely with my infamous 100% accuracy, only to get rapid punches from all sides across my suit. I figured that he already knew about how slow and lagging my suit is in terms of movement speed so I did my best to fire off shots and keep him away while I figured out a better way to combat him. This didn't work for long as he let out a impact smoke grenade. In a quick state of action, I attempted to kick where I saw a brief shadow getting closer, and continued pressing on with slow but powerful attacks while I still had the element of surprise, though he regained his stance and began to strike back. When the smoke cleared I could see my partner struggling to hit his small partner with the 6-foot hammer. In the confusion, we both bumped into each other in reverse.

"Gimme yer gun!"

"Give me the hammer."

We quickly exchanged weapons and resumed fighting to great effect. The sidekick wasn't as quick to dodge the shots of the gun as his superior was, and the hammer worked greatly in keeping the dark-suited man at a distance. I knew I couldn't hold my own against an evidently more experienced combatant, but I had a plan to get away. When I got the opportunity, I quickly struck my opponent then intentionally bumped back into Harley again.

"You take him."

She immediately startled me with the loud gasp of excitement she made in response.

"Ya MEAN it?!?"

"...yes?"

"Mista J NEVA lets me take B-MAN!!! Oh, you're the BEST!"

We traded back weapons, and while she was tenaciously fending off (and distracting) "B-man", I seized the almost-defenseless masked child and ran off to the tech support warehouse I spotted earlier. By the time his master had arrived, I had cuffed the sidekick to a desk with a pressure sensor that I hastily connected to an IED under his chair.

"Come in...um...who precisely are you?"

"I'm BATMAN"

"Of course you are...regardless, I've set up a little problem for you. In the 8 minutes you've given me, I've placed your student here to do some long division. Simple, right? Though...if he lifts that pencil off the paper or stops with his writing process...the bomb under him goes off"

"You think this makes math enjoyable?"

"No...but what I do know is that it may or may not be the last thing he ever sees, and that's an entertaining thought on its own..."

"What do you want?"

"A simple solution; you let me...and her...get away without consequence"

"You must be new here: I don't BARGAIN with insane criminals for freedom"

"Shame...your star pupil rounded to the tenth place instead of the hundredth on #4...now you see what happens to THOSE who get problems WRONG!"

In that instant, a large object crashed through the front door of the establishment and began blasting missiles to collapse the building. I rushed towards the source and looked back to briefly see Batman quickly swing in to successfully rescue the boy from the trap before the way to the entrance fully closed in, blocking any further entry. I propped myself on top of the car to see none other than the clown duo sitting side-by-side in the front with the prince at the wheel, and around 15 objects poking out inside Harley's hat. Once I got on, we drove back to the Riddler's warehouse. Even through the large Plexiglas windshield I could hear the Joker start a slight bit of "conversation".

"Sorry, Bats, but I'd rather get 4 million dollars THIS time."

"I thought we're both gettin' 2 million..."

"No, it's going to be 4 million...because YOU'RE giving me YOUR half, GOT IT!?!?"

"But---"

"DID I stutter?"

"No, sir..."

"Hmm...good girl."

I kept silent about it as my task was hindered enough as it was already, and speaking of it, it was just about to mark completion...


	9. Chapter 9

We returned to the door and melted it down with the increasingly-focused laser as we planned, and made our way in. The man in green and all the other, bigger men in green elevated on the platform looked on in amazement, presumably expecting someone else. The "Nygma" I was looking for finally broke the silent

"And what are Humpty Dumpty and his two wisemen doing in my compound?"

"WiseMAN?? Why I oughta...."

"Easy now, Harl" The Joker calmly stated, "....as for you... We've got some long standing BEEF, don't we?"

"You know that's nothing special.....who's your new guy?"

"I want your TRINKET!!!"

"Oh dear....riddle me this..hehe...", he hastily stated as his voice began to have a quicker pace, "Who's the dual-sided man that will hopefully come when the problem is twice as bad...?

"ME"

I looked behind Nygma to see the half-scarred man I remembered talking to in Arkham.

"But you were in prison..."

"I got out."

"You KNOW any of these intruders?"

"Yeah." He gestured directly at me. "That's the nut who made fun of my coin!"

"Dearie me!", he replied with a fake show of sympathy. As always, I had to give some sort of reasoning to my choices.

"It's STUPID. WHY would you use probability for simple choices? For example, I want to take a step right there. But I CAN'T until I land this dice on a 3!"

"He does have a point...", I heard the clown prince say from behind.

"I've heard enough. Let's BLAST these hooligans!"

Before anyone even had a chance to fire a shot, a large police force led by a notable police chief barged in the same way we came.

"Oh, ya heard me roight. If the Commissioner won't do anythin', then I wi---Mother Mccree, I don't believe it...."

"Who's the Irish guy?"

"I don't know...but he seems...oddly familiar..."

"Why...I-it's the Riddler! And the Joker! And Egghead! and...", he briefly stuttered in bafflement at the sight of Harley, "...Black Widow?

"Hey, who ya callin' a SPIDER, fatty-o?"

"Oooh, the NEERVE of ya--Get em, boys!"

The entire compound erupted into the state of a three-way bar fight, mostly attributed to the henchmen brawling with the cops. I plowed my way through 5 of the henchmen to make it to the Riddler, who was in the same exact place and still just confused as to how this was all transcending in front of him.

"Ah, riddle me this...when is a bad man NOT bad?"

"I never liked word problems." I blatantly mentioned as I drove a punch right to his jaw and took the question-cane for myself. Almost coincidentally, the Joker also made it through the midst of the fighting and appeared right behind me.

"Righty-O, you got it! Now how does it WORK?"

"I'm not too sure"

"Can I have a TURN?"

I passed it off to him, and he simply tapped it once on the ground to make all the devices pop out of it. I was about to ask for it back so I could finally pay him and leave, but by the look in his face I could tell that he was no longer looking to go with that idea.

"You know, I've been thinking, what with the whole runabout and all.... What's the point of taking simple dineros when the REAL prize was hidden all along?"

"Unreliable TRAITOR..."

"Ooh, tsk, tsk, what an attitude. Let's fix that up, shall we?"

He fired the mind control device at me with ease. Being in the metal contraption I was in, the only way to successfully influence me with it would be to somehow get the ray past the suit and the glass case to directly hit my brain, although he was obviously not aware of this. He began gesturing for me to follow his instruction:

"Now, come to the puppetmaster..."

I walked over as I was told.

"What do we say?"

"You missed." and as I drove a punch into him for a change, I grabbed the device once more. I looked back at the Joker, now on the floor, while holding the cane as a show of force.

"Hold your bolts, it was just a prank..."

"WHAT'RE YOU GUYS DOIN'!??!"

We both looked to the side to see that our third party member had arrived to the platform as well.

"Well, he started i---"

In the brief pause, the petty jokester got to his feet and attempted to swipe the cane a second time, though this time I was prepared and held on strongly

"It's mine, you hear, MINE!!! I didn't get through a failed pie gag for nothing!"

"How do you REMEMBER something like that?"

"Hey, gimme!"

She pushed us both back and took it, though unlike the two of us she didn't seek to immediately use it for vengeance.

"You two are actin' like a buncha spoiled jerks, and I don't like it!"

"GIVE IT BACK!!!!!"

"Sorry, but ya have to catch me fiiiirst! WHEEE!!!!"

The cane and its holder soon began to flurry away in a series of backflips and spinning across the room. The Joker and I both chased after with a lot of pushing and shoving like little children rushing to the ice cream truck. We both eventually cornered her on top of a high balcony near one of the high windows on the side of the warehouse

"Come on, sugar plum, give ol' pappy his stick..."

"No!"

"But sweeeeetie, we can use it together! Don't you want to bamboozle the Dark BLUNDER with an endless gag?"

"That's just you, boss..."

He took a pistol from inside his jacket and aimed it at his defenseless cohort.

"Pity..."

I finally got up and whacked him to disorient his shot. He attempted a fistfight; luckily, after fighting Batman, the less experienced mob boss seemed much easier to deal with. After knocking him off the balcony, the half-scarred man spotted us and began firing in our direction. In the chaotic scene, a contraption was activated, and Harley and I were flipped through the window and onto the pavement outside. I rushed back to my car to begin to take off, with her continuously trailing, begging me to turn around

"What about my puddin! We have ta go back for 'im!"

"First of all, NO. Second, I absolutely cannot get caught by those cops. If i get interrogated and have to stay here longer then one thing adds to another and--"

"Fine! I'll save him myself!"

"Wait!"

"What is it, a SURPRISE PARTY? Hurry up, I gotta find Mista J!!!...AND I gotta pee!!"

"It's the money. Both cases, 4 million total, since the other recipient failed to appear..."

I handed her both of them, as promised. For what she puts up with, it's only deserving that she should get both.

"Why are you givin' it to me now?"

"Because I got what I came for", I mentioned as I held up the precious, golden device.

"Oh..."

I finished packing the cane in the back with silence and made my way to the driver's seat when I heard a voice once more from behind.

"Ooh, almost forgot! I got another thing for ya! Catch!"

I turned back to see her use an underhand to pass an object so small that I'm surprised I even caught it.

"Got it custom printed at the arcade when you were doin' the map thingy or whatever. It's just a little somethin' to remember me by."

The item in question was a small metallic object, 2 inches in length. It was shaped and encrusted more or so like a rhombus, similar to the ones that ran along various arm and leg areas of her costume, with the central inside area divided into 4 sections, 2 red and 2 black, similar to that of a typical checkerboard pattern. I strangely noticed it had a needle on the back for attaching to a piece of clothing

"It's a...pin?"

"Apapap...A HARLEY pin! Ya get it? Harley? Pin?"

Now THAT was a good joke, certainly better than what her wrongly-named counterpart tries to do with electric shocking and domestic abuse.

"Pretty good. I like it."

"Thanks...well...I guess this is goodbye...."

And that's when I had an enlightened idea of my own.

"...Wait a millisecond...you could come with me! With your skills and my intelligence, we can join together, away from this run-down place, and be TRUE partners in crime!

"Well, gee, I appreciate the offa, but I can't leave Mista J here! He'd probably hurt himself without me, or somethin'..."

"You're worried about HIM getting hurt? What about you? Just...come to my town and work with me! It's much better then being nonsensically smacked by a lunatic...

"But I..um...I can't...I have to...I...sorry..."

She said this while maintaining a genuine, apologetic expression. In retrospect it probably wasn't fair to respond the way I did....

"Sweet Pascal, FORGET IT! To THINK that I believed that at least ONE person in this forsaken city had even the slightest bit of reason---"

As I went to hastily get into the driver's seat I was stopped by a pair of arms wrapping around my suit from the front, and some audible sniffles of sadness to the left side of my "head"

"What..."

"I'm really gonna miss ya, C-Man. And all your numbers and pie and...*sniff*..and everythin'..." 

"...you know I can't feel this, right?"

"It's the thought that counts."

Upon being released from her tight hold of affection, I finally went in my car and closed the door. Seemingly not being finished, she came to the door window to give a lasting message.

"And remember: NO nuclear blastin'!

"Right..." I said with a reluctant but assuring attitude.

"You crossin' yer fingers behind that DOOR, chump?"

"Oh, I was using the...locking...thing..."

"Alright, just checkin'"

She smiled and gave a final wave of goodbye as I backed out from the docks and went forward into the main road.

I took a short while to go through the city I had known for so little time, and yet it felt very familiar to me. The shabby state, the crime running continuously rampant in the streets, it was not too far off from my residence. But this place felt oddly...better...in a way. Perhaps it was the aesthetic given from its simplicity, but I began to think that maybe it wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience to start again here. Ignoring the knowledge of more capable and active crime-fighters operating in the area, I got the idea to start a new, fresh experience here, and with both hands on the wheel, I felt the urge to turn around and----

*CONNECTION LOST*


	10. Epilogue

"So that's really how it ALL happened, huh?"

"Yes, now I'm asking you...HOW did I end up HERE? Did you even see me LEAVE??"

"I..I dunno."

"How did I even get separated from the...the portal must have screwed up....I DID use it, right?!?"

"Don't....think so, no..."

"Computer, check for transfers to 'Gotham City'"

*NO RESULTS*

"Check inter-dimensional database for anything closely RELATED to the term 'Gotham City'"

*NO RESULTS*

"...check again..."

*NO RESULTS*

"This can't....it doesn't compute....WHERE'S THE CAR?!

"R..right outside. Been sittin' there n' collectin' dust fer some time, now... "

"Let's see.....what!?! Where is it?!? It was JUST HERE!!!"

"What's here?"

"THE CANE!!!!!"

"Wha, for ME? Ya don't think I'm THAT old, do ya?"

"No, not for...but...if I was never IN the car, plus the portal turns up with nothing, PLUS I don't have the cane I JUST had in the back....that equates to the conclusion of....no...that shouldn't add up, it can't...All that time couldn't have gone to waste! I explicitly remember: I GOT out of the asylum, I FOUGHT that "Batman", I GRABBED that device, I SAW her...then...then that means...DAMN IT

"Yeesh...ya lose a calculator again?

"Definitely NOT...it's just that someone had finally appreciated me as a person...a friend, isn't it? She even said the term herself....gah, it's MY fault, I should never have tried to leave. HOW could I have LEFT someone so NICE, so COMPASSIONATE, so...so...heheheh...HAHAHAHAHA!!! OF COURSE IT WAS ALL IMAGINARY!!! I KNEW it, it HAD to be, I deduced it from the START. I mean, a normal person being friendly to ME!?! HAH! How did I even begin to CONCEIVE such a SICK, IMPROBABLE IDEA...."

"You know....I sure ain't a doctor, but...I'd take a rest, accept yer loss...."

"WRONG..it's not a LOSS, hehehe..it NEVER was, for the valuable reminders of this mental trip shall NOT go to waste...."

"Oh God....where'ya goin' NOW?"

"To find research on ICBM development. I am now 100% sure that it is truly our FUTURE."

As the aggressive, distraught cyborg walks outside to pursue his apocalyptic goals, he fails to notice one small thing behind.....

.....sitting on the pavement near where he had gone into a fit of rage, gleaming as bright as ever,

...was a small, metal pin, encrusted with the red and black colors of a faithful friend.....

...whom he shall never see again.....

THE END


End file.
